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Every season teams draft players to add to their teams in hopes that they can be a part or maybe the missing the piece that will aid them in becoming NBA champions.  Some of these players pan out to live up to their potential while some become what is commonly known as a bust, or a term that I prefer to label them as -  a buzzard

Now before we proceed, please allow me to give you all a little back story on why the word buzzard is used in my vocabulary as a term to describe an athlete that doesn’t or in this case wont live up to expectation.  I have a close friend that is a high school basketball coach who out of frustration calls his players this without any particular rhyme or reason.  I took it upon myself to give the word some meaning and the best that I could come up with is that a buzzard is a bird that kinda resembles and eagle but unlike an eagle it prefers to crawl on the ground as opposed to flying and lives as a scavenger eating carcasses and dead remains instead of going out on its own as a bird of prey.  My friend has since adopted this definition as well as it describes a player that appears to have all of the physical tools and abilities but after the hype dies down you see that you are simply left with a buzzard through and through.  In today’s edition of Noise From The Sain Asylum, I will go through some of the selections of last nights draft and by random Sainology (using advanced analytics based on absolutely nothing) I will take a light-hearted look at them as I label the selections as either a BEAST or a BUZZARD.

 

1)  Andrew Wiggins – BUZZARD

Before we really get this started, guys with puny heads are automatically labeled a buzzard.  Name one baby-headed all-star in this league?

2) Jabari Parker – BEAST

The Paul Pierce comparison, although lazy, is good enough for me!

3)  Joel Embiid – BUZZARD

I’d rather draft Mr. Glass from the movie Unbreakable than this crumbly piece of peanut brittle

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4) Aaron Gordon – BUZZARD

You were the first of many weird-looking extremely light-skinned guys in the draft.  Plus you look more like Howdie Doodie than Blake Griffin.

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5) Dante Exum – BEAST

Tall athletic guard who gets a Penny Hardaway comp.  Someone give this man a Team Penny Shoe Endorsement

6) Marcus Smart – BEAST

Any guy that’s willing to jump into the crowd and try to kill a rich racist guy gets a thumbs up in my book.  Donald Sterling’s punishment should have been to have the Clippers first home game against Boston with a front row seat.

7) Julius Randle – BUZZARD

You play for the Lakers and you look like Sloth from the Goonies mixed with the guy from the TV show Roc.

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8)  Nik Stauskas – BEAST

Lazy comp says he’s a hybrid of Seth Curry and Klay Thompson which is awesome, but be careful though son, because that also partially qualifies you as a weird-looking light-skinned guy.  Red Flag

9)  Noah Vonleh – BUZZARD

Michael Jordan only picked you here because he was afraid to draft Adam Morrison again in Doug McDermott

10)  Elfrid Payton – BEAST

Did you see how seamlessly he piled all that hair into his draft hat?  This kid can go from crackhead to schoolboy in seconds

11)  Doug McDermott – BUZZARD

You’re the only player ever whose body will look worse without their handy-dandy tee-shirt than Chris Douglas Roberts

12)  Dario Saric – BUZZARD

Dude I don’t even know enough about you but your top lip just looks ridiculous in your highlight videos so you’re a buzzard.  Plus your hair is equally disappointing.

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13)  Zach LaVine – BUZZARD

Number 2 on the weird-looking like skinned dude list.  You made a fool out of yourself when the Wolves drafted you as if you were too good to go there.  What are your other options dude? Starring in Powder 2?

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14)  T.J Warren – BUZZARD

You look old and you play old.  You won’t be good in the NBA unless teams start playing half court in front of the garage in the driveway.

15)  Adreian Payne – BUZZARD

I have to Google search your name every time I want to spell it.  The dumbest way to spell Adrian in the world.  Plus you’re a super athletic big with a nice frame that wants to shoot jump-shots.  I’ve seen you before Drew or should I spell it Jroogh Gooden?

16) Jusuf Nurkic – BUZZARD

Your hook shot looks diabolically goofy and you look like Bryant Big Country Reeves’ love child from a Boznian rendezvous.

17)  James Young – BUZZARD

You are keeping the Buzzard streak alive Xavier Henry v 2.0, you look like one of Madonna’s backup dancers more than a basketball player too.

18)  Tyler Ennis – BUZZARD

Also a violator of the funny looking light-skinned dude rule

19)  Gary Harris – BUZZARD

Baby head rule violation plus your comp is OJ Mayo.  The fat version, not the next Lebron version.

20)  Bruno Cabocio – BUZZARD

The Raptors would rather draft you and leave you oversees for 4 years than take back Tayshaun Prince.

21) Mitch McGary – BUZZARD

Zbo signed a two-year extension just to give you time to develop and recover from your injury so that he can punch you in the head

22)  Jordan Adams – BEAST

I don’t question THE MACHINE.  Plus having U of Memphis in your final schools and then choosing to go somewhere else almost guarantees success.  Smart move kid.  Just ask your fellow rookie teammate.

23)  Rodney Hood – BUZZARD

You look like the lead singer from Soul 4 Real all grown up plus you are 6’8″ with a 4’11″ wingspan.  You’re probably a beast in the park leagues tho.  The Jurassic Park Leagues.

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24) Shabazz Napier – BUZZARD

You’re the next candidate to be Jerryd Bayless, “Woah when did you cut all of your hair off dude?” bald.  Lebron James will feel much more secure now with that receding hair-line is on his team.  Plus you look like Gazoo from the Flintstones without his helmet.

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25) Clint Capella – BUZZARD

You get a lazy Serge Ibaka comparison and you probably can’t play basketball.  The Raptors were debating taking Tayshaun Prince to draft you and took a guy who sounds like he’s about to open a new italian restaurant over you.

26)  PJ Hairston – BEAST

Crazy dude playing close to home has all of the potential to be a disaster but Maybe MJ can get him a chauffer or Josh Pastner

30) Kyle Anderson – BEAST

Blatant violater of the funny looking light-skinned dude rule but the Spurs drafted you so you’re probably going to develop a crazy jumpshot and be finals MVP in two years.

34) Cleanthony Early – BUZZARD

Beetle Juice shrunken head rule violation, you took an awesome name like mine and just made it weird, and you kept following me and unfollowing me on twitter.  Players that search their names on twitter is a red flag in my book

35) Jarnell Stokes – BEAST

You can definitely beat the crap out of me and you live and play too close to me to say otherwise

36)  Johnny O’Bryant – BUZZARD

You stopped looking like you could play after you cut your dreds.  Now you just look like a less homeless version of Al-Farouq Aminu.

38) Spencer Dinwiddie – BEAST

Your dorky name, your weird mustache and your ACL injury make me want to call you a buzzard, but THE MACHINE loves you and I guess that I should too

39) Jerami Grant – BUZZARD

Teenie Weenie Head rule violator plus your dad wasn’t even the awesome Grant twin.  And how do you pronounce your name dude?

51)  Thanasis Antetokounmpo – BUZZARD

Your brother already took the cool/convenient nickname now we are all forced to try to pronounce that obnoxious name of yours.  My MacBook refused to even copy and paste that non-sense.

 

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One Response to 2014 NBA Draft Picks: Will They Be Beasts Or Buzzards?

  1. jeremypcoopNo Gravatar says:

    Re: Wiggins
    What about Steph Curry!?

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